The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
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