he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
