Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
