Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Dear god my vagina.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
