I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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