i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
