last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
