I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
