video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
