Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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