Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
