Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
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