Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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