Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Randomize
