You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Randomize
