Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
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Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
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I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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