I like to think it a success when the cops are called
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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