Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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