Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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