I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
