Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
