Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
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