My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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