I can't breathe out the right side of my face
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
