How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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