I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
