We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
