Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
