I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
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