You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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