I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
