One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
