Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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