I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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