He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
