I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
