He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
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