I wish I could punch you in the face.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
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The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
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I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
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