My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
