i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
