I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize
