dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Someone stole a lamp last night.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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