R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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