got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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