White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
