so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
