i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
