Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Randomize
