I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
