I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
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he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
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If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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