Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
