Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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