Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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