I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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