y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I could have mohawked her pubes.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
