I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
