What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb