i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.