yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
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For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
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She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.